The sun sets and I think to myself
That tomorrow will be the day
The day I make my life right
The day I stop running, stop hiding
Stop lying
The day I start living
But then the sun rises
And I fall into the same patterns
My tomorrow turns into today
My today turns into yesterday
And the lies are still coming
I’m still running, still hiding
The sun sets, and I think tomorrow-
Will tomorrow be the day?
JSM
‘07
She can’t remember a time when the worry was not there
A time when she did not add up calories eaten and hours spent at the gym each day
She knows that there had to have been a time in her life that she was at peace
She cannot believe that she has been this anxious forever
If only she could remember that feeling of freedom
The feeling of not being obsessed
Maybe if she could remember, then she could go back
She could go back and hold on to that feeling
Hold on to it so that she could have peace now
But she can’t remember
It’s a funny thing trying to explain a disorder that so many people think is admirable. All of my life people have been telling me how discipline I am, or how amazing it is that I can be so strict with myself when it comes to eating and working out. If I tried to explain to them that it’s not really that fun, they wouldn’t understand. It’s like trying to explain why I feel fat. They don’t get it. The feelings, the voices, the hatred; they aren’t fun. It’s not admirable to hear the thoughts that run through my head all day. To have to argue with those thoughts, to battle to stay sane and appear healthy. To always feel like I have to be in the best shape or be able to do any physical activity thrown my way. To always have to be full of energy and upbeat. It is incredibly hard to wear this mask every day. So, writing about it has been a task, one that I have started and stopped many times over the years. One of the devotion books I am reading gave me a new perspective though. “We can’t look to our feelings to determine truth. We must look to truth to rein in our feelings.” (Craving God, Terkeurst). No matter how I am feeling, the truth remains that God’s message of love despite all of my flaws and fears, needs to be told. Those who are out there fighting this same battle need to hear that He loves them just the way they are. And my feeling fat or losing a battle here and there along the way should not stop me from spreading that message. So, I begin again, hoping to complete my story so that I can help share the hope that is found in knowing God has a plan and purpose and that if I let Him, He can use this struggle to help others.
I’m so closed off now,
I’m so afraid to open up,
To let people see my weakness.
To see that I’ve failed.
I pretend to be so strong,
Acting like I don’t feel pain.
But I’m hurting inside,
My heart’s torn up.
Struggling with the voice inside
And the regrets of words never spoken
No one knows just how much I struggle,
Fighting this voice,
Battling to stay healthy,
Physically and mentally
I see my chances come and go
To let those that care know
To cry out for help in this war.
The pride is too strong to admit I’m not in control.
I’m losing the strength to fight,
And everyday get closer to giving up.
There is a saying that says things kept in the dark, stay in the dark. Hiding my struggles keeps them in the dark and keeps me stuck in a cycle that is neither healthy nor productive. Coming out in the light allows me to heal, and more importantly can also be used to help others who may also be struggling. One of the biggest lies that we believe is that we are alone and that no one will understand. Hopefully my words can help others know that they aren’t alone. I have read a lot of books and scientific articles on eating disorders and exercise addiction; while all of them were helpful (or hurtful as some would set off the voice who insisted on being skinny), none of them really addressed the issue from an athlete’s point of view or from the perspective of someone who appeared to be healthy, but inside was dying. One of the most dangerous things about disordered eating is that often times those who suffer look healthy from the outside. I can tell you though, that the emotional and mental pain I feel every day trying to battle the voices is far worse than any physical pain I have ever dealt with.
I’m gonna go on a short rant. I have been an athlete pretty much my entire life. I understand that working out can be hard (it should be if you want results but that seems like a no-brainer). I have to say, I am SO tired of people complaining about how hard their workouts are. Athletes and adult fitness enthusiasts alike. Playing and then coaching, I routinely heard athletes complain about how hard workouts were, now as an adult (well sometimes I’m an adult), I have to listen to grown-people complain about how hard their workouts are. Here’s the thing that irritates me- NO ONE IS MAKING YOU DO IT. If you don’t want to do a hard conditioning test, then quit the team, quit your sport, go do something that isn’t so hard for you. That is your choice to make. If you don’t want to do fasted cardio, then don’t do it, go eat all you want and then walk on the treadmill, or don’t walk, it is 100% up to you. It’s so annoying to hear people complaining about something that they can control. If you want the end results of working hard, then shut up and do the work. You knew it would be hard when you started, complaining about that toughness doesn’t make it easier. I won’t complain after an intense workout because I understand that I am the one who is making me do it. That’s what makes the hard work so enjoyable- I am disciplining myself to do something that is uncomfortable. People need to realize they are in control of that too, so either do the work or don’t but stop complaining about how hard your workout is or how much you don’t want to do it. The choice and consequences of that choice are yours either way.
Be encouraged. God put you in your situation for a specific reason; perhaps you are helping someone right now and don’t know it, or maybe the lessons and experiences you are going through now are preparing you to help someone in the future. Either way, He has used your talents to put you in a situation where His kingdom can grow. Don’t lose heart! God puts people in our lives for a reason and I have often found that our unique talents and abilities give us exactly what is needed to help other people out in this world. Sometimes it means we go through some pain, but we were given an opportunity and gift to help someone out in a way that no one else could.
I’ve learned quite a bit this year. I’ve had to trust God because all of my plans failed and I was left wondering what the future held. I learned that sometimes you don’t end up with the one person you thought was perfect for you. And once you distance yourself from the situation, you realize it wasn’t that perfect, but even knowing that, you still wish that sometimes you could go back to before you knew it wasn’t perfect. I’ve learned that people who you think you can count on, will let you down. But people who you never expected to care, will come to help you in your dark hours. I’ve learned that to fully appreciate someone, you have to be willing to fully give yourself; this means risking greater pain, but you’ll experience deeper joy. I’ve learned that letting someone go does not mean you lose them. You take the memories and lessons learned with you wherever you go. I’ve learned that sometimes you need to be friends with someone because they need to be loved and God placed you in their life exactly for that purpose. It may be incredibly hard, and you may have to swallow some pride, but loving the unlovable is one of your greatest callings. I’ve learned that no matter how dark it is or how lost you are, someone still cares, and they are looking for you, trying to help you find your way home. And no matter how long you’ve been gone, your true friends will always welcome you back. I’ve learned that God is everywhere, even in your troubles. His love is found in the most unexpected places and shown through the most unexpected people. And just when you think you can’t go any farther, you will find Him. Feel His love; know His presence, and gain His strength. I’ve learned that sometime lessons keep repeating themselves because we keep missing the real point. I’ve learned once you leave home, it will never be the same- everything changes, including you- but while it won’t be the same, it will always be full of love. I’ve learned that even though we want things to be the same, friendships to never end, they will. People fade away, grow apart, but this just means we must learn to embrace the new, while cherishing the old. I’ve learned that sometimes the only arms that can take your pain away are the ones causing it. Hugs can be bittersweet. I’ve learned to cherish hugs from people I care about because they may not always be around. If you love someone, tell them because life goes on and you may realize you lost your chance. Don’t let the little things bug you, but do let them excite you. It makes life way more enjoyable. Most of all, I’ve learned somebody always loves me and God is always watching over me, even if I can’t see the whole picture.
“Always be yourself. You can’t change because of the circumstances around you.” -Cotton Fitzsimmons
Good Enough yet?
“Don’t insist on bringing into today the failures of yesterday. In doing this, you pollute a potentially wonderful day”
-Michael Johnson
So, how’s that goal coming? Even with the best set plan, and the highest motivation, setbacks come along. How we respond to those setbacks will determine if we ever reach our goal. Often, we let our past failures determine our future and present circumstances. Just because you have failed at a goal in the past, does not mean that you need to fail at your current one. We have the chance to restart and try to reach our goal again. A single setback does not mean that we are defeated; it simply means that we have to work a little harder to get what we want.
This seems like such a simple concept; begin each day new. But it is hard to master. One of the biggest difficulties in living this principle lies in the fact that we believe we must be “good enough” before we can ever accomplish anything. In our society there is constant pressure to be caught up in the latest fashions, music, trends, and to be at the “perfect” weight. We are bombarded by messages telling us that we have to attain this certain ideal before we are worth anything. I can’t tell you how many times that people have said to me, “I think I better get into better shape before I work out with you. I don’t want to be embarrassed.” They don’t feel “good enough” to workout with me, so they will wait until they get to a point where they do feel worthy before they make a commitment to someone else (me) to change their lifestyle. In our spiritual lives, we find the same principle; we don’t come to God because we feel unworthy. We have done things, thought things, said things, which we are ashamed of, and before we are going to go to God we are going to change our ways. The problem with this line of thinking is that thus far in our lives, we have tried to get to that “good enough” place on our own, whether it is physically, mentally, or spiritually, and we have not been able to do it. And so, we continue to fail at our goals, and with each failure we are solidifying that fear that we aren’t good enough. We don’t leave our past failures in yesterday; we bring them with us each day. We let them inhibit today’s goals. If someone has depression and needs to see a psychiatrist, they will not wait until they are happy enough before they go to the doctor. That obviously seems stupid. But that is exactly what we do, whether it is conscious or not, when we wait to be “good enough” before trying to accomplish our goals.
My challenge to you is to become aware of your thoughts, do you notice that when you hit a setback you automatically think about past failures and reasons why you shouldn’t be able to achieve your goals? Or do you take the setback in stride and keep moving forward? Becoming conscious of your thoughts is the first step; if we are aware that we are holding ourselves back, then we can begin the process of overcoming those thoughts. If your goal is something that requires help or assistance from someone else, don’t wait until you feel that you are at a point of “good enough” to seek their assistance. Start where you are and trust that they will accept you at that point and help you get where you want to go. God knows we aren’t perfect, and He does not expect us to become perfect before we come to Him for help. A psychiatrist does not expect someone to figure out their chemical and emotional imbalances before coming in for help. As I trainer I can assure you that I don’t expect my clients to be in shape when they come to me. If they were already where they wanted to be, then they wouldn’t need my help. I can pretty much assure you that there will always be a reason why you should not feel “good enough” to do something, sometimes the reasons are legit, more often than not, they are arbitrary. Stop letting your past failures determine that you aren’t worthy to achieve your new goals.
jesisays 