It’s a funny thing trying to explain a disorder that so many people think is admirable. All of my life people have been telling me how discipline I am, or how amazing it is that I can be so strict with myself when it comes to eating and working out. If I tried to explain to them that it’s not really that fun, they wouldn’t understand. It’s like trying to explain why I feel fat. They don’t get it. The feelings, the voices, the hatred; they aren’t fun. It’s not admirable to hear the thoughts that run through my head all day. To have to argue with those thoughts, to battle to stay sane and appear healthy. To always feel like I have to be in the best shape or be able to do any physical activity thrown my way. To always have to be full of energy and upbeat. It is incredibly hard to wear this mask every day. So, writing about it has been a task, one that I have started and stopped many times over the years. One of the devotion books I am reading gave me a new perspective though. “We can’t look to our feelings to determine truth. We must look to truth to rein in our feelings.” (Craving God, Terkeurst). No matter how I am feeling, the truth remains that God’s message of love despite all of my flaws and fears, needs to be told. Those who are out there fighting this same battle need to hear that He loves them just the way they are. And my feeling fat or losing a battle here and there along the way should not stop me from spreading that message. So, I begin again, hoping to complete my story so that I can help share the hope that is found in knowing God has a plan and purpose and that if I let Him, He can use this struggle to help others.