SHE part 1

She can’t remember a time when the worry was not there

A time when she did not add up calories eaten and hours spent at the gym each day

She knows that there had to have been a time in her life that she was at peace

She cannot believe that she has been this anxious forever

If only she could remember that feeling of freedom

The feeling of not being obsessed

Maybe if she could remember, then she could go back

She could go back and hold on to that feeling

Hold on to it so that she could have peace now

But she can’t remember

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Truth is not in our feelings

It’s a funny thing trying to explain a disorder that so many people think is admirable. All of my life people have been telling me how discipline I am, or how amazing it is that I can be so strict with myself when it comes to eating and working out. If I tried to explain to them that it’s not really that fun, they wouldn’t understand. It’s like trying to explain why I feel fat. They don’t get it. The feelings, the voices, the hatred; they aren’t fun. It’s not admirable to hear the thoughts that run through my head all day. To have to argue with those thoughts, to battle to stay sane and appear healthy. To always feel like I have to be in the best shape or be able to do any physical activity thrown my way. To always have to be full of energy and upbeat. It is incredibly hard to wear this mask every day. So, writing about it has been a task, one that I have started and stopped many times over the years. One of the devotion books I am reading gave me a new perspective though. “We can’t look to our feelings to determine truth. We must look to truth to rein in our feelings.” (Craving God, Terkeurst). No matter how I am feeling, the truth remains that God’s message of love despite all of my flaws and fears, needs to be told. Those who are out there fighting this same battle need to hear that He loves them just the way they are. And my feeling fat or losing a battle here and there along the way should not stop me from spreading that message. So, I begin again, hoping to complete my story so that I can help share the hope that is found in knowing God has a plan and purpose and that if I let Him, He can use this struggle to help others.

Closed Off

I’m so closed off now,
I’m so afraid to open up,
To let people see my weakness.
To see that I’ve failed.
I pretend to be so strong,
Acting like I don’t feel pain.
But I’m hurting inside,
My heart’s torn up.
Struggling with the voice inside
And the regrets of words never spoken
No one knows just how much I struggle,
Fighting this voice,
Battling to stay healthy,
Physically and mentally
I see my chances come and go
To let those that care know
To cry out for help in this war.
The pride is too strong to admit I’m not in control.
I’m losing the strength to fight,
And everyday get closer to giving up.

Shining the light

There is a saying that says things kept in the dark, stay in the dark. Hiding my struggles keeps them in the dark and keeps me stuck in a cycle that is neither healthy nor productive. Coming out in the light allows me to heal, and more importantly can also be used to help others who may also be struggling. One of the biggest lies that we believe is that we are alone and that no one will understand. Hopefully my words can help others know that they aren’t alone. I have read a lot of books and scientific articles on eating disorders and exercise addiction; while all of them were helpful (or hurtful as some would set off the voice who insisted on being skinny), none of them really addressed the issue from an athlete’s point of view or from the perspective of someone who appeared to be healthy, but inside was dying. One of the most dangerous things about disordered eating is that often times those who suffer look healthy from the outside. I can tell you though, that the emotional and mental pain I feel every day trying to battle the voices is far worse than any physical pain I have ever dealt with.